Then touch my tears with your lips.

Wow.

2009-04-13T04:14:00.000-07:00

I havent written for at least forever.
Theres alot to catch up on really.
Number One; Obviously no more boyfriend.
Ha.
Number Two; 4 Months Pregnant.

There's so much going on at the moment.
I am so over being told how different my life is going to be after my baby is born and I am so over being told what to think about everything.
Yes, I know that my life will change completely and that I wont be able to put myself first but seriously, how much do I anyway?
Yes, I know that I am going to be a single mother and that it is hard enough that I am 17 and by the time the baby is born I will be 18, but seriously, think this all slipped my mind when I realised I was pregnant?
It isnt my choice to raise my baby on my own, but I am fine with doing it and I dont need someone to hold my hand through it all, thats what I have my best friends for.
And I am also happy about the father not having anything to do with my baby, because seriously what help would he be? Give the baby its first pill, maybe show it how to inject himself if he's started the super hard stuff? Yeah, how about no.
I know what I am getting myself into, so please stop justifying my decision because you really dont get it at all.
I am not actually as naive as people seem to think, I can act like a dickhead, but my brain is bigger than a grain of sand.

Now to the happy part of pregnancy :).
I am now 16 weeks; 4 months, which is quite exciting if I say so myself.
No one can seem to tell too much, I just look like I have a little pudge and all my clothes still fit which is handy since I dont have enough money to buy new ones at the moment.
I find out uber soon if its a boy or girl which is awesome :).

I feel you baby.

2008-04-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hello there dear readers.
My life is full of boredom.
Really, you could say its dying with boredom.
Dont ever get sick.
Sickness sucks.
Sure its fun when you want to take the day off work or school and just want an excuse to sleep in, sometimes you dont even have to be sick.
But it isnt fun when you get tired as soon as you leave the house.
Now, that I'm over my emo, stuck at home whinge, it would be really nice if it could be a nice day today so I could sit outside and write something full of meaning.
My darling boyfriend is coming to visit me soon which would be nice.
I am thinking of investing in some of my Mums brownies that she made me.
This is the first time Ive been home alone for ages, its rather nice actually.

Want to know some funny news?
My Dad is a massive money spender.
Honestly, in the last month or so, we have got a new laptop, a new tv, playstation 3. we are then getting a wii thingymabob for a joint birthday present for my father and brother seeing as their birthdays are on the same day. OH and the newest edition to the money spending is foxtel. It only took him about 2 years to guilt trip my Mum into letting him get it.

I have spent up big also, but that doesnt count with my fathers spending addiction, seeing as I have wanted a laptop forever and could afford it and realised I hate sharing a computer with my brother and so I did what I would do, and sent my Father out to get me a good deal. It went well, but now my account has nearly been cut in half which is a bit scary to look at but hey, its for the best =].

I am going to go, eat a brownie, sneak in a cigarette even though my doctor would kill me if she knew, and especially my mother and then brush my teeth =].
Wish me luck, and let me know how your lives are going.
If it is interesting enough, I may write a whole book about it.

Your Hearts A Mess.

2008-02-19T20:53:00.001-08:00

Happy Wednesday =].

Whenever I wake up, I have made it regular that I surprise my parents with "HAPPY [insert weekday here] EVERYONE"

GAH! I just got swamped with shitloads of Express Post to put in, sorry about that.

ANYWAYYY, Im going into Civic to see my darlinkkkk best friend.
Shall be exciting.

Man I love Wednesdays, I dont know why.
Hmmm, for some reason I guess.

Everyone is starting to go home except me and one other.

Im SO BORED!
I finish in about half an hour.
Gah.
Im gonna myspazz.

Peace Bruz.

We dont give sympathy.

2008-02-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

Im trying to occupy myself, and especially my stomach.
I dont get lunch until 12:45.
But today I am rather excited.
I love when I am on lates, I get so excited about the fact of finally eating and then getting to check my myspace.
Yes, I do not have life.
AND, I am working overtime on Saturday.
I normally dont work weekends but the silly people that work in Fyshwick dont know how to do their jobs, so the awesome Woden crew is going down there to show them who is the best.
And I'll be making a nice amount of money for the day.
Some more money towards Adelaide =].
How excited I am.

I dyed my hair last night.
It was a very exciting occasion in my life.
It is now dark brown which is pretty awesome.
Go dark brown.
It has a slight reddy tinge as well.

I like checking out other people's blogs, its quite exciting.
I sometimes forget that other human beings actually live when they arent around me.
Its like when you are in primary school and dont ever think about your teachers having a life out of those classroom doors.
So its exciting for me.

I just found the best blog ever.
Its about nothing.
Its awesome.
They have a picture of what is found inside someones pockets and then state it, and might say something quirky at the bottom, and thats all.
I find it very entertaining.
Check it out if you want:

http://foundinpockets.blogspot.com/

Knock your socks off.

If you are friends with Caitlin on myspazz, go and check the pictures of me and Rankine back in the day. They are fucking hilarious.

Im going now.
But will probably be back soon.

Have fun.

Aviators.

2008-02-11T22:45:00.000-08:00

Man, I have the coolest and cheapest pair of aviators.
$5 :D.
How awesome is that buy.
Anyway, I am at work and finish at 6 tonight which isnt much longer to go, but the last hour has dragged on like a bitch.
Matteo is supposed to be coming over tonight for dinner but I'm not sure if he will get there in time for dinner seeing as he finishes work at 6 as well.

There is a HUGE chance that I am going to Adelaide the next school holidays.
The days I have set, which will be permanent as soon as I go home and use Mothers credit card and then transfer my money onto her card to cover what I used, I will share it with you tomorrow.
I just heard Dads computer so it is home time.
Peace outttt.

Coca-Cola.

2008-02-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

I am drinking Coke, which is the whole reason for my very inventive title.

Renee messaged me on myspazz about my awesome cool blogness, so I decided to entertain her while she is a little puffhead with her pain of the mouth and talk shit for a while =].

I am eating a wonderful salad made by my mother.
She makes me lunch for work =].
It has olives in it, and it is making me crave a whole can full of olives, I could honestly live off the things.

Le time is 11:53, I went on lunch at 11:45, which I swapped with Trav =].
People are lovely these days.

Man, I love Fridays so much.
They are my favourite thing at the moment.
And I have fallen in deep, deep love with Saturdays as well.
The whole no stress of the lazy waking up at any time thing and going to sleep whenever time really makes me smile alot.
I'm starting to enjoy Mondays as well, going in and talking to the guys at work about the weekend and gigs with the boys and stuff, its lovely.

Now, I have a slight dilemma, it has to do with my hair.
Tomorrow, I arranged a hair cut for 10:00, but I dont know how I want it cut.
So I am thinking of walking down to Mocca, a coffee shop near work, and grabbing a stupid magazine and finding a hair cut.
I need a new hair cut picture by tomorrow otherwise I am overly screwed.
So PLEASE someone help me.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Yesterday I had the most wonderful day.
I had an awesome day at work, and then I ran to Woden Interchange to catch the quickest "300" to Civic to meet Kellyface, and we saw eachother and then we went and ate 2 big bowls of chips at Milk&Honey, and we got chai which I love. Yummmmm... We got it cheap [hahahaha; go Kelly & I].

Ill be back, have to read a cheesy magazine.

Chai.

2008-02-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

2008 is the year of change.
I was thinking of the ways I have changed this year, and I didnt think there was much.

- Left the Music Shop
- Started at Converga
- Realised I need a new hair cut, havent got it done yet, but I was paid today so I can now =].
- Became more comfortable with myself
- Got a new phone [which I need to re-replace because its being stupid].
- Emailed my sister [which didnt turn out well but at least I gave it a go].
- I havent spent the money I was and still am saving, which is a first seeing as I cant save money at all.
- Bought awesome dresses [which I never do].

They dont sound like much but to me it is a massive massive deal.
Also, I am still with my lovely boyfriend, Mr Matteo.
Which is a big deal because since I moved to Canberra, this whole boyfriend thing did not work for me at all.
Also, I realised I should blog more, not about bad stuff like I used to, but just anything.
I havent written anything down for ages and if I dont write, I lose myself, and I definitely wont let myself do that.

On my next birthday I am going to try to give up smoking. I know I should probably try to now, but I need to change other things first; such as my hair.
I thought my last hair change was big, but it wasnt actually at all.
I need to change colours, I'm thinking of darker but Deb and Shannon both went darker so they might think I'm following.
I might go back red, I liked when I had red hair =].
But get a completely different hair cut.
Hows that idea?

I'm currently looking for a new skin, because the old one has been the same since Rob.
And that is a long, long time ago.

Its weird, everyone is going back to school and doing Year 12 and I am out of school and working for the government. I am still not sure if I should have stayed in school or not, but I know that I will be very excited by the time I am in Britain.

I am going to get my hair done on the weekend I have decided.
Yes, yes I will.
I might even get alot of it cut off, and I have been growing my hair for a long time now.

Work in 20 minutes.

-Jes.

listen,

2007-10-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

to pills by the perishers.
i adore it.

whats your favourite song at the moment?
tell me in the comment box.

ill be back soon.
x

purely written for renee's procrastination.

2007-08-31T23:51:00.000-07:00

hello all [mostly ms darling reneebubble].
i am grounded once again for reasons you all would probably know.
and if not, ask me, dont wanna blog it, lol.
i am dating mr baydon but it is not going too well, jes is bored.
lol.
mother dyed my hair red for me so now i look like a tomato but my brother keeps telling me my hair is orange, so therefore i look like a carrot!
go carrots!
lol.
i like a boy.
and no it isnt matt.
i told ms hayleigh and clareface that i like matt, but heyyyy i go through phases.
i know like another male and it is easily guessable i think.
but i am going to keep it all to myself until somebody asks.
i get to see ms darling ranks in about 4 weeks :D.
im rather excited.
dont really want to visit adelaide seeing as i dont like many people there but seeing caitlin and brianna will be exciting.
after that when i return to good ole' canberra, ill be hanging with tamaradear, ms hayleigh, clare, joshua, daniel & other friends.
SHIT!
i just realised i cant.
i may still be grounded.
and joshua is grounded for 3 months.
poopoopoo.
this is poo.
OHHHH!!!
best bit of news all week!!
today mother and i went to debbie's house [a family friend].
i used to hang with her sons when we were little and they both go to st francis xavier, year 10 and year 12 i thinky.
but yes.... back to the story, clare let me borrow her book, the first one in the series of the tomorrow when the war began series, and i finished it at the library yesterday and i fell into deep depression seeing as i needed to procrastinate doing my homework and such but had nothing else to do. i whinged at debbies to mum about it and THENNNNN ms debbie told me that she had the SERIES!!! so she leant me book 2-7 and i am SOOOOOO excited now.
im nearly halfway through the second book and i only got it a bit ago.
im such a book junkie.
hmmm.
anyway, i did some of my IT exercises today which was stupid, but i have to do them.
i tried my maths and failed and felt dumb.
and i have to start my history assignment today because it is due next friday.
GAH!
i hate stuff being due.
i have figured out my schooling plan.
i am finishing year 11 at copland, next year i am going to CIT and doing year 12 there, but if i have to ill be doing year 11 there too. because i want to finish school but i want to go to CIT and THENNNN i can start some sort of certificate one or something in either accounting or youth work. i dont know which one i want to do. ms aleece gave me the idea, she wanted to do youth work and i looked it up and shit and it looks good.
apparantly i am good with people and care and shit which i get told alot.
so hey, may as well give it a go ayy.
anyway, if you want me to write about anything, just comment it in my comment box and ill be right onto it :D.
ohhhh and just so everyone knows, i have a girl :).
shes awesome!!
i love ms hayleigh mucho.

peacccceee & love & cupcakes.

comin' home.

2007-08-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

i like listening to music.
thought id share that with you all.
im rather bored actually, last night was pretty good and i didnt end up getting a hangover after the shots with clare, i did feel like i was going to be sick a few times but i didnt.
i went to a gig at jamo but didnt actually watch much of the gig, i have come to the conclusion that people mostly... about 95% go to gigs at jamo just to hang with people.
so yes...
i love going to jamo though, i always seem to talk to people.
apparantly that is because i am a "peoples person".
dont know if that is a good or a bad thing.
im bored.
this is boring.. im going to go check out other peoples profiles and i shall chat to you all later..

hold on to the nothingness of your worthless soul.

2007-08-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

man.
what an emo title.
haha.
i was like.. that sounds cool, so i wrote it down.
well.. my night is going wonderfully *sarcasm*.
its 11:21pm.
and it is thrusday night.
i am sitting on my bed , fucking up my neck by turning it to look at my computer screen [i have a wireless keyboard & mouse].
i am drinking wine, not goon, wine.
i dont drink shit wine which currently the scene kids call goon, im "classy", apart from the fact i cant be fucked getting a wine glass so im drinking it out of a normal glass cup instead.
so yes... i wanna get pissed.. and i can feel myself getting there.
just so you know, i can spell right until i hit the point where i want to vomit.
i cant text properly, have to think more.
thumbs up for tam who bought me the wine.
mmmm.
good thursday night snack.
might do this til the bottle runs out.
i now have decided i like white wine better than red.
never been a mad red wine fan.. but white hits the spot.
and it looks like cordial so i can take it in a drink bottle and i wont get weird looks.
lol.
well.. today wasnt too eventful.
rather boring actually.
like... boringish.
i finished school early.
mannnn.. ive missed wayyyy too many classes.
gah.
hahahaha... wine nearly spilt. reflexes are still working thank GOD.
found a safer spot to put my wine.
lol.
SCHOOL TOMORROW.
lol.
how exciting.
ouch.
headachemuchooooo?!!!?
im gonna go before i talk absolute shit and share my life stoy with you.
PEACCEE

rob.

2007-07-21T03:34:00.001-07:00

dont worry about ben, he's a dick.
you were right.
all boys suck.

Beg

2007-07-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I just always have to try and fix people.
Why do I have to do that?
As if I dont know that I will be hurt by trying, I always am.
I have to stop caring.
I care too much.
I dont see how I think by helping people it will get me anywhere.
It never works I always just get... fucked up.
I do stupid things.
I say stupid things.
I just feel stupid.
Stupid, stupid me.
Remind me next time someone is helping that I am just a fucking lousy friend and cant do shit to help anyone, just make it all fucking worse.

A Cross & A Girl Called Blessed.

2007-07-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

bguiagbuahujlznhbjznjkfshiosutj khbnzjlthyaitobnhzkfjAITOh;egjiy dfrgbnhdfjBNjkzNKHLs';rjuoa;fihoghuan y7q3ogy9ihu e3rqb5k5j4b7jn5mjbv7hu4byh q8u65y68q934ypn4.

Let me ask a question:
WHY the few people I want to be there for, dont want ANYTHING to do with me.
And ALSO why can they not care, but I do so much, FUCKING HELL!
I'm over being a pushover and a skank and I'm pretty much over being me!

mora

2007-07-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

take a step off of that silver bird from your planet
and you brought a little bit of that cold with you
ring me out like you would your bastarding father
and youre so quick to stick to that scum
hungry like a pirhana

man. my heart just shattered. do you ever get that? you are fine and then you just completely fall apart, i am so upset i cant actually cry. last night i stayed at tams and didnt get to sleep ages after her. man i hate late night thinking. i realised that 1. i am not jacks type at all and i am am just following a lost cause, 2. i left so much behind in adelaide, 3. music is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, 4. the feelings have returned, 5. my family has fallen apart again, 6. i miss my sister, 7. nothing ever turns out the way it seems, 8. my family is getting more & more disappointed in me every day & 9. i have hit rock bottom. think about all this BULL SHIT i am doing which i promised myself i never would. i am disgracing myself and it is deplorable. why am i doing this all. why am i ruining myself?

swallow a little of that sea now taste a little bit of that salt in
me
throw up a little of it on your knees
now doesn't that bring you back to the beginning before you poured your
elements away
now sing back to the bottom of it all

a couple of days ago and was talking to a good friend of mine and he was talking about if everything turned out differently. now i cant stop thinking about it. what would have happened if chris & I stayed together? what would have happened if me and him were together? what would have happened if mitchell or mark didnt die? what would have happened if we didnt move? what would have happened if we never moved at all? if we always stayed in the same place and stopped leaving every one behind. what would have happened if for once in my fucking life i stopped running away when it all got too hard? what would have happened if i was more confident, beautiful, independent, thinner, fitter, taller, smarter, nicer or funnier? what would have happened if i actually attracted someone that treated me well instead of just watching me fall. it seems like i never do anything right anymore. everyone around me is surrounded by partners, companions, people that adore & love them, so what makes me so different to them to not be deserving?

seal your lips with the black stitch of a secret
parade with that speechless dryness of the desert
lay flat under the lime light and feed off of the fiction
cold callus and boild between the bleak deep of your dirty hands

at lucy's party last saturday, someone said to me so much that didnt make sense to me. she said that she didnt understand why i was not with someone. she said i was beautiful & nice & complimented me so much and said I deserved to be treated properly. why does EVERYONE have to lie to me? i have been lied to my whole life, so why cant everyone just keep their fake compliments to themselves? you all honestly think I believe all that bullshit that is said to me about me? but if she's right, why cant anyone see it? if i am apparantly as good as i hear all the time, why am i the only person that i know feeling SHIT because I have no one to love me and no one to run to when i can feel it falling beneath my feet? and now you understand why i dont take the compliments? give them to someone who deserves them.

swallow a little of that sea now taste a little bit of that salt in
me
throw up a little of it on your knees
now doesn't that bring you back to the beginning
before you poured your elements away
now sing back to the bottom of it all

you know what i love about sonny moore's music, the fact that he can make such ugly words in to such beautiful lyrics. he sings about broken people, and soul less individuals, about people being hurt and about loneliness but just by the way he puts it all across, it becomes so much more bearable. i love being able to listen to music that isnt about being in love, or being hurt after love. most music now is about love, he sings about different things, that people can relate to. every one of his songs, makes me think, helps me feel better, even if it is for that small amount of time, this is why i put all of his songs on repeat. its like a healing process. when i hurt, i put it on and all my emotions go numb. absolutely numb to the point that helps. it helps alot.

i know i sound like a massive try hard emo right now but to be honest, for once in my life, i honestly dont care what anyone thinks about me. if i cant be accepted for me, why would i want to be accepted in the first place? ive always been too scared for people to portray me the wrong way but why did i even care? i tried too hard to please peoplebut everyone is always disappointed, no matter how much people try for others to like them. i cant do that anymore, i dont have the strength. yes, i am weak, easily broken down but at least i have the balls to admit i can be a nut case and fall apart under pressure.

i just wish someone could accept me enough to love me, thats all. is that too much to ask in this world?

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-19T21:31:00.001-07:00

I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT
I GOT IT

You Could Be Happy.

2007-07-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Today is Friday. I used to like Fridays. But I dont now. I dont know why I dont, but I just dont. Today I am going to Tam's, well at night, to drink wine she got me for my birthday. Oh joy. Shall be fun. Today does not feel like a good day, you know when you just know it will be a bad day? Well... I know it will be. I have that weird feeling.

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

This is a good song. I like this song. It's called You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol. Yes, another Snow Patrol song. I have figured from now on I shall have a song of the day, and this is my song for the day. Its pretty beautiful. Well... 6 days until I get my room back. Hallelujah. OH! I didnt tell you, yesterday I got Mum's best friends present she got me for my birthday, she got me earrings which are cute and I am wearing now. She got me this pretty rad necklace & earrings which are like WOW and then Annabel [her daughter] made me a felting :). I like feltings. So when I get back in my room I have something to put up somewhere :D:D.

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

School Monday, I keep reminding everyone. I'm excited :D. I'm going to be doing 6 subjects; IT, Multimedia, English- War, English- Lit, History & Maths :D. How very exciting. I like school. I didnt last term because I gave up too easily but now I know I can do this :D. I'm going to prove to the parents and all my family that I am not a massive dumbass like they are acting like I am. I'm over hearing critisism every time I bring up school or anyone else does and I am over being constantly mocked. Its irriating and doesnt help at all.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.

My hair is being a bitch. I just washed it and it is annoying me but oh well. I'm relieved to get out of here tonight, I feel so claustrophobic. My brother is irritating me and my parents are all happy go lucky and its disgusting. I'm over it. This has been the longest holidays in the world, I have never been on holidays and wanted to go back to school so this is seriously showing that something is absolutely wrong. I've had good chats to Jacki & Lauren the last couple of days so I want to thank those two girls & I also want to say to Rob, I know that its been weird between us for a while but I am relieved we are able to talk again because not being friends with you is ridiculously hard. You are just too good a friend and we have been through too much for me to lose you now. So.. Thanks guys. I adore you all and thanks for reading :).

-Jes.

to readers:

2007-07-19T02:40:00.001-07:00

that WAS my last blog but then i had a question to ask you beautiful readers.
please someone answer as well..

i want to write another book as in, full page book, but i am absolutely out of ideas which sucks, does anyone have any ideas for me?

leopold.

2007-07-19T02:14:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much over alot that is happening in my life at the moment.
I'm excited to get back to school so that I can actually get out of this house daily.
I have had to share a bedroom with my brother for ages and I get my room back on the 26th of July when my grandparents go back to Adelaide.
I hate not having privacy.
And I hate how my parents are being dicks.
And my brother.
Gahhhhh.
This is when I wish I had a boyfriend.
So I could run away to his house.
If anyone has any single nice boys in mind, PLEASE share, because Jes is in desperate need of attention and boy hugs.
Well... I'll go and bitch somewhere else now.
Bye.

njzomkO:MNam

2007-07-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

im over being fine with it all.
im fine with actually like its all cool and that i dont care.
i do so stop it.
fuckkk.

Run

2007-07-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Well.. I am offically sixteen. Have been for a few days now but I guess, I havent really had time to think about it. I dont like getting older. Everyone wants to grow up so quickly, we never really get enough time to be kids do we? Life goes so quickly and you have to leave it all behind. We all try to get older faster than we should, we all drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex. Before we do these things we think about them and never actually realise how the changes will impact our lives, it is all a big deal, every time we do these, we change, get older, mature. Maybe I dont want to get any older, maybe I want to stay 10 forever. I like being young. Why does the world want constant maturing? Cant we all just stay young and not have to get any older?

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

I've realised since moving to Canberra that most people are fake. Alot of the people I thought I can lean on are fake. Or just use us all. No one is how they originally seem. It's quite sad dont you think? I dont like finding out all these things. I dont like finding out that no one keeps their mouths shut anymore and that nothing can just stay between two people anymore. There are rumours & secrets. I dont like it. Not one bit.

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Something happened. A couple of days ago. And I thought if it was forgotten then it would be all okay but now it's all been turned upside down which really irritates me. This is one reason I dislike living in Canberra, everything goes around so fast and is changed and turned completely around and then it doesnt even sound like the original point. Everyone knows eachother, I wish I could have one friend that no one knew because I'm too scared to tell people stuff because they all know eachother. It's like complete interbreeding.

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

There is alot I would like to say but I wont. It is all a little secret that I have with myself because I have learnt that living here you have to keep things to yourself unless the whole territory will find out by tomorrow morning. I just wanna go home. I miss home. Moving here changed it all. It sucks.

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

One question for those that want to answer; is it possible for your heart to constantly hurt. Not because of heart ache, just because of loneliness?

Set Fire.

2007-07-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from A to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. Right now, I am sad to say, but I am not doing too well. I have alot going on but I cant really share it with anyone because I have been told that I have to "keep it in the family", so I am expected to keep this all to myself and get over it pretty much, since my parents think I do very often.

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

This song is my favourite song at the moment. I have had it on repeat for ages. I love how music just takes you away. The other day one song by my favourite musician took away all the pain for the small 4:27 minutes. Do you know how amazing that was. I closed my eyes and was completely and utterly taking away into a land where nothing could hurt me and it felt like someone very dear to me was taking away the pain so very softly. It made me realise how much I miss that sort of affection but I think it is amazing that a song could do that to me. This song does it too, but it brings a tear to my eye every time, it is so haunting.

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

My birthday is in 2 days. And sadly I dont want it to come around. I know, isnt that silly. This will be the first birthday away from people I normally celebrate it with. I know, negativity does not help at all so I've tried to find positive outlooks, I honestly have.

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I found out something not to fortunate about someone that is very dear to me. It completely broke me when I found out but I did not cry. I know one reason I dislike the fact I moved here, is that I can not help the people I care about in Adelaide. If something happens to them, I am too far away to go and visit them and make sure that they are okay and because Mum does not want me to go back unless on holidays, I dont think that I would get back there unless it was very urgent. I am scared to lose this person. The things this person is doing will ruin this person and everyone around this person. Just hearing about it makes me want to run to this person and shake them back awake to the person that I once fell in love with. I just want this person to get better but this person can not see that there is a problem. I just need to find a way to put it nicely to this person that there is a massive problem and that it has to be fixed. This person has to get better because if they are not better, I will be ruined and no matter how selfish that sounds it is completely and utterly true. This person kept me together when I didnt want to go on so now I have to do this also for this person.

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm staying together, so dont worry, I'm not falling apart. I can keep myself together. I am fine. I honestly am, I just am over losing people. In the last couple of months I have lost more friends that made new friends. I lost one boy in adelaide, who seems to think that some weird massive change happened to me and he doesnt like the fact that I didnt see him before I left Adelaide but that was because we both liked eachother and I did not want one of us falling deeply for the other.
I lost another boy, here in canberra, and I dont know if he knows that he has lost me. I lost him first but now i have realised that the friendship just would not work on both sides. This boy got to know me inside and out in such a small amount of time and I learnt to completely and utterly trust him because he was unique. He is still wonderful and I would love his friendship but now I know I cant pressure him anymore, because that is how I pushed him away. He was a wonderful friend and I appreciate him very much so.
I have lost a girl in Adelaide, who has pushed me so much throughtout the time I have known her but I learnt to handle it because I was always too scared to lose her. She now pushes me so much and I cannot handle it and I argue, I argue until I cant argue anymore because I am over being the one that stays calm and pretends that it is all completely fine when it is not at all. I have now been replaced with a better model, like always, but I have learnt to accept it, because what else can I do?

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I've tried to start another book, and sadly my brain just will not let me do it. I have tried but I cannot do it. I have writers block without even starting to write. Isnt that pitiful? I think it is. My family is falling apart, I wont give details because it isnt necessary. Canberra did alot to us when we moved here, it prodded and poked at us to the point that we now cant handle it. The next 2 weeks will be the hardest two weeks that I have had in Canberra. You dont need to know why but... it doesnt matter. I cant write it because then I will want to delete it and RF knows [if he even decides to read this], that I have a no delete policy. So I cannot do it. I cant. I'm sorry.

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

To anyone that decides to read this, please listen to this song on repeat and see if your soul feels how mine feels right now, empty, numb & sad. The song is called Set Fire by Snow Patrol. After that listen to Hide & Seek by Imogen Heap, I always listen to that song after this one, why you ask? Because it reminds me of the song dedications, not the ones when 2 people thought they liked eachother but the times when 2 people had a spiritual connection and understood eachother's pain. Thats all. So listen, savour & be happy with the people you have around you because other people would love to be in your position, loved, adored & content. Full with love. Thats all.

Please comment and let me know what you think, and sorry for the wait.
-Jes

shit year much?

2007-06-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

someone...
please come here and bring coffee/ hot chocolate and some chocolate and some warm blankets and d&m with me and snuggle and cut off the rest of the world for a while.
please.

2007-05-28T05:46:00.001-07:00

cut me off?

ill do it twice as hard.

i've erased you.

goodbye.

this isnt fair.

2007-05-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

you may see this as a joke.

but...

she is cooler than me..
like..
uber cooler than me.
so much cooler it isnt fair.

she is funnier.
and nicer.
and more unique.
and i.
dont.
like.
it.
one.
bit.

she doesnt smoke.
has fun.
has cool friends.
who think she is cool.
man.
no wonder its her.
this is shit.
i dont like it.
poo.

she doesnt care what people think.
at all.
she is louder.
and full of fun-ness.
FOR FUCKS SAKE!

2007-05-27T04:23:00.001-07:00

man.
failure much?

to renee.

2007-05-27T04:06:00.000-07:00

please tell me what is wrong.
confide in me.
i do it all the time.
it is your turn.
you mean the world to me.
it is okay to make mistakes.
you can not always do everything right.
mistakes help you renee.
please dont be angry at yourself.
i adore you sweet and i promise i always will.
just.. let yourself be vulnerable.
it will all be ok in the end.
ill always be here for you.

Bleed Like Me.

2007-05-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

Have your nails scratched the deepest
Have you broken skin this time
Made your mark and took me deeper
As you drowned me with your eyes
I held my hand over your mouth
As you screamed at me to bleed
You felt my scars with understanding
But, I cant promise anything

Man. Today was crap. Work went so slow yet so fast at the same time. The crap thing was, normally my brain switches off at work but it didn't today. I kept thinking and couldn't stop myself thinking which made me fuck up many upon many times. I spilt hot tea on a lady, I spilt half a flat white on a table, I fucked up an order, I accidentally double ordered for someone, I wrote down the wrong order, I forgot to write down the table number, I fucked up on the register AND I fucked up with change because I fucked up with the register. I did worse than my first day. It was SHIT!

Can you tell
That I pick My poison well
That I have no more to sell to you

Man. I was so angry at myself, so I banished myself to the dishes so many times and now my hands feel like leather and it is yuck. God I hate our washing liquid at work. Positive though is that I got $85, a dollar more than I should have because Vic didnt have $4 in change.

is it really that important that i settle down
does it really even matter that i have my doubts
i search for the one who needs
i reach for the one who bleeds like me

I swear Emma and Jo got so pissed at me today. I completely stressed them out by fucking it up and it was hard enough having people in but we had more people because an AFL game was on at Manuka Oval at 1 something, so I got myself worked up and nearly cried because I was an idiot.

I forget to dream in color
I am better off alone
Honest hearts are undercover
We are shadows on our own
Lose ourselves in open waters
Always swimming back to shore
But, my addictions have no boundaries
And now I'm crying out for more

I might be getting Rose's shift though, so therefore I will be able to actually understand what I am doing. I have been failing at absolutely everything lately, I am failing school, failing myself, failing everyone's expectation and failing work. It's pretty great, note the sarcasm. Man, is there anything I can ACTUALLY do properly? I am a good failure, yes I'm good at failing, that is what I am good at.

Can you tell
That I pick My poison well
that I have no more to sell to you

Gosh, I am negative. I should clean my room. I should but I am not going to, but I did think about it. Thats a good thing. Go me and negative thinking. I was thinking about quitting school, but I need to finish it. I have never properly finished anything. I never got to graduate Year 7, because WL only graduated Year 5, I never got a Year 11 Formal, I never finished at OLSH which is what I said I would do, but that wasn't really my choice. I have given up on flute countless times. It is shit. God I am being poo.

is it really that important that i settle down
does it really even matter that i have my doubts
i search for the one who needs
i reach for the one who bleeds like me

I do want to accomplish something, give my parents SOMETHING to be proud of me about. I have never done anything I said I would do which really irritates me. I never stick to anything.

i have my doubts
i have my doubts
and so does everbody else
so help me take this all away
you gotta help me take this all away
please help me take this all away
and bleed like me
so help me take this all away
you gotta help me take this all away
please help me take this all away
and bleed like me

I wanna be a kid again. Be little and get away with wearing weird hair styles. Get away with everything. Do all the fun stuff at school like paint weird pictures and write little stories and sing fun songs and get 10/10 for every spelling test. God I aced primary school. If only high school was as breezy. Do you know the bizarre thing, I dont remember finishing Year 7. I cant remember getting reports before Year 8. OLSH changed school for me.

is it really that important that i settle down
does it really even matter that i have my doubts
i search for the one who needs
i reach for the one who bleeds

I dont know what to do with myself. It sucks. I need some direction of some kind. Meh. Maybe it is too late. Oh well. I've given up caring anymore. Do you know what? I feel like I mean nothing to anyone anymore. I am just... there. Just floating with everyone else in the worthless universe. I just wish I could do something in this society to be looked up at, I want to achieve something. I dont want to be looked at how I am. I dont do anything. I try to help but I fail. This failure is never ending, does it ever really stop? Sadly I dont think so.

i reach for
i reach for
i reach for
i reach for
i reach for the one who bleeds
like me!

I just need answers. Or guidance. Or a new start?

miss you love

2007-05-26T02:20:00.002-07:00

I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you
and the bathroom's still a mess
remind me why we decided this was for the best

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love..

I know the distance is a factor
but I stretch as often as I can
my goal's to reach your hands any day now
please don't blame me for trying
to fix this one last time
I have a hard time as it is

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love

Don't act like you don't know me
It's still me I've never changed
I'll be here when you come back

and I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love..

2007-05-26T02:20:00.001-07:00

Remind me what its like to feel real.

2007-05-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

Baby.
I'm drowning in myself.
I need you to save me.
Pick me up out of this black hole.
Remind me of happiness.
Spin me around.
Help me become myself again.
All I need is you.
To save me.

A Few Small Bruises

2007-05-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

Out here on the ledge
I'm not far away from stepping off
I've finally picked out my cloud
It's the one over there
Surrounded by all that air

You reached out your hand
And said I understand
So why not come down

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine
Except for a few small bruises ,cuts, and scars well I'm fine

Thank you for asking
I'm so glad we had this moment here
I know they think I'm crazy
But everything I am is what I was taught to be

You reached out your hand
And said I understand
So why not come down

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine
Except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine

And as you read my words out loud
Make me sound genius
Make me sound special
And maybe I'll come down

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine
Except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine

And as you read my words out loud
Make me sound genius
Make me sound special
And maybe I'll come down"

Man. Maria Mena is so very unique. She rips me heart out of my chest. Her songs make me feel such strong emotions, I just want to cry.

2007-05-26T00:20:00.001-07:00

Time goes where it always has:
into our beautiful and endless
memories.

whisper

2007-05-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

wanna run away together?

we can escape this world and leave all of this behind. all we need is each other and you know that we will be absolutely fine. we don't need anyone else, we just need to escape this all. link your fragile fingers in mine and lets run away. far, far away together. lets hold each other and watch the sun go down. we can do this because all we need is each other. you and i, me and you, just us two. we fit so perfectly in each other's curves, you know we are meant to be.

Yay For Renee.

2007-05-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

I love when I read Renee's latest bloggy thingo's because it helps me think of things to say.

Last night, Mum came home from wherever she went on Wednesday and presented me with tablets for my sickness :). I smiled. And then sneezed haha. I have to take 2 at night, 2 in the morning, 2 in the midday [which i just realised is now] and 2 in the "afternoon"

Me: What time is afternoon?
Dad: It says 12 Jes, Midday is 12.
Me: No I mean, it says afternoon.
Dad: No it says Midday.
Me: It says morning, midday and afternoon.
Dad: No the red ones are for night.
Me: I know it says night there Dad.
Dad: So why did you say afternoon?
Me: DAD! *coughs* It says morning, midday, afternoon and night.
Dad: Oh. Well midday is 12 so I guess arvo would be around 4.
Me: THANK YOU!

It took me a while to get to the answer. Haha. My brother was laughing at us.

So I will quickly take my tablets and be right back.

:::::

Man.. I'm cold. I took my tablets, I tried to find anything hot in my house and I am now making those quick noodle thingys that come in the cups. Mmm its done. I am eating Braised Beef. And Mother got me gummy bears. And she's being a bitch. God its annoying.

Do you know what... Jay is hilarious. He asked me out in English on Thursday. And we caught a bus to Belco together. Then I went home.

But during English he was like.. so nice. Hmm... God I'm sick. If you want more details, ask. Lol.

Bye for now.
-Jes

Nudity

2007-05-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

"And they don't see
That my smile is thin
And it's peeling off
Inch by inch
When it goes"

I am sick. So I feel like complaining about it. Sickness sucks. I hate at night time when your nose is blocked and you cant breathe and no matter how many tissues you use it isn't good enough and especially when you run out at the coldest time of night and you really need a tissue but you cant venture out of bed because you would be way too cold. And the tissue in your hand cant be used because it is all holy and crap and you try but it doesn't work so you just lay there in bed hoping to go to sleep.

"My whole disguise
Will slither off
Before your eyes
And I'll stand nude"

Eff my throat hurts, and my nose is being gay. I have work tomorrow and I have a feeling I will be sneezing a lot. Which isn't good. Ha. Sneezing on food. Don't think that would draw customers in.

"My eyes roll out
Reveal my skull
A cave of doubt
My surgeries done"

I swear my fingers are a tad frozen. And it is hard to type. Oh well. I cant stop sneezing and coughing and sniffling and shaking. I feel retarded. It's rather funny. Man. I need another job, I was thinking at the Oxfam Shop in Belco, so I shall consult Renee about it. SHIT! I need to send my application form in to the War Memorial, I'll ask Leigh to do it for me.

"You gave the knife
I need you here to save my life
So please stay in tonight
Pull the soul from my eyes and say goodnight"

Man its cold. This pisses me off. I want to sleep, but I know it wont work. But yawning is annoying. I woke up so early this morning [at 7ish] so I laid in bed for about an hour pretending to be asleep because I thought if I tell myself I am asleep, I would fall back to sleep, but sadly it didn't work so I woke up, shivering. Poo.

"Just stay at home strip me down to the bone
I can't be alone
And they don't see the nagging stress
That beats and beats inside my chest"

I could go an apple right about now. But we have none left. It sucks butt. Mother informed me some chick at her work knows some person who may help Mother find me a psychologist. Oh joy. Aren't I just jumping for joy. Note the sarcasm. I already tried to bribe Mum out of it but she wont listen. She told me, her and father think I need it. Poo. This is what I have a diary for, to be all depressing and retarded. I dont need a person to listen to it. I am bad with words out loud and sound stupid when I try to make sense. Man this sucks testicles.

"And kiss my heart
To keep it safe
Where no one else can make it break
And all the schools they sent me to"

I havent done homework for ages. Isnt it great. *Yawn* *Sniffle*. I am healthy. Shiver down spine. Oh my goodness, how lovely. I love feeling like shit [sarcasm]. Gah.. Make this go away. It is poop.

"The upper class ants march two by two
A 4.0 for each brave boy
Well I won't fuck with them anymore
And the days go by"

*cough*. Everyone apart from Renee has left me on MSN by myself. Originally, I wasnt allowed MSN, but now, I think my Father knows, and doesnt care too much which makes it rather funny. I think I just heard a car door, [parents home?]. *shiver again*. I look shit today. I had a shower and washed my hair *yawn* and now my head is cold. I put my hair in plaits though, thought I might look a tad none retarded if I did that. The cold is killing me. Poop.

"I still believe
There is someone who
Can comfort me
And the days go by"

If anyone exciting reads this, I have a boyfriend. It's weird. I am so used to being single. Ha. Oh god, I am so rude. We'll see how it goes on Monday, ay. *yawn*. RF is sad about "her" which makes me sad. Makes me wanna jump and hug him and make him feel better because I am the one that is always sad, not him. I dont like it. Please get better RF, you are too special, I like when you are silly and happy and RFish. How selfish of me, I should be like... it is okay RF. I am here. Talk to me if you wanna. Or joke around and we can be silly and ignore it all. SC for life. I love RF and SC. Gosh I love you and our acronyms :). Smile my love :):).

"I still believe there's a lonesome place for me"

[Is this ok Renee?]

i feel poop.

2007-05-23T03:25:00.000-07:00

save me?
sure

To you.

2007-05-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

Have i made a difference in your life?

Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so
Why go, I asked?
You know, and I know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything

Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spent on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

Because you have in mine.

face down.

2007-05-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hey there.
Today, I have SO much homework to do.
1. Economics
2. Legal
3. Maths
4. Business

But I am only doing the first 2 because they are due tomorrow meh *shrugs*.
Just want to share something with you all.

I know that looks REALLY bad, but I did try. ANYWAY... This made me laugh, the fact that Roll Roll and Flee is at 70. And I have had it for like.. 2 weeks. See You Soon is ok.. I used to listen to it 24/7 but I just stopped for some reason. Hmmm.. anyway, back to homework :).

-Jes.

home.

2007-05-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

This is because Renee wanted me to write.

I’ll be coming home
Just to be alone
Cause I know you’re not there
And I know that you don’t care
I can hardly wait to leave this place

I'm not a cop out. I am not running away. I am not a failure. I don't care what any of you think, I am going to do this without you. I don't need to be reminded of who I am, I know who I am, just are the ones that don't know me at all. I'm over being constantly attacked. I wake up, get attacked. I go to school, get attacked. I am over people thinking I am trying to the victim and trying to draw attention to myself, if I was doing that why is everyone finding out how fucked I am even though this has all been going on for 4 years? Yeah, try and answer that question without contradicting yourself.

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

I dont know what my feelings towards you are. I have completely confused myself. We are friends. I like being friends. I missed being friends. But dont worry, the contact will only be secret until you are ready to communicate to me face to face.

By the time you come home
I’m already stoned
You turn off the TV
And you scream at me
I can hardly wait
Till you get off my case

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

I’m better off alone

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

the end.

2007-05-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

i am stopping blogging.
i am going on hiatus until i can start this again.
i cant let you know how i feel.
especially you.
bye guys.

Hm

2007-05-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hates:
Smokers | Druggos | Yobbos | Racists

P.S: Now I understand me against the morals.
I'm sorry, but I am never changing for you.
So why even pretend to like me in the first place.
Contradiction much?

the reason why.

2007-05-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

you pushed me away.
you said that i will never be with you.
i am not sorry at all.
i am not sorry that i am me.
i am not sorry that i do things to smile.
i am not sorry, because it should not have anything to do with your decisions.
you are like him and all of them.
you just did what they did to me.
you lied.
they lied.
and i will never, ever forgive you.
because you made a promise.
that you fucking broke.

Take Her To The Music Store.

2007-05-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's because I deserve better?
You break my heart
You break my heart
You break my heart
You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's because I deserve better?

Emotionless grey skies bleed sombre dreams of sorrow
Blackened unseen heart tears a virgins godlike innocence from its pristine palace
Paint sarcastic smiles upon new wounds
Tears of misery stain scar filled minds
Hatred new like tomorrow flows from bitter memories
Purity now embraced by sinful ideals why
Lifeless tomb rests weary with prowling peering eyes
Silence falls upon deaf ears covered by night
Alone in thought, shaking
Biting tongues of lead at unfit moments
Screaming disbelief with no faith in site

[And her disgust has no borders, no limits to strive for,
She bends and breaks to the rules set by the weak]

She's finally seen she's a beautiful girl with a smile so grand she could stop the world
Stolen her skin he sews her mouth shut, means nothing to him, her screams just die out
As she cries out here voice dies out
As she cries out her voice dies out
Love once inside her heart, lay in my hands
Was it asked for?
Was it implied?
What could have been done?
Inside her mind dies.

Kimmy ^_^

2007-05-15T03:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tis her 17th birthday today ^_^.

Babe, I hope you had an awesome day...

I love you mucho...

Well today was funny.. I didn't go to my first Economics class because I couldn't be fucked.. Then there was recess because I had a free first. THEN I had an excursion after recess.. When I got back, Legal was canceled and then I had Maths last. WHICH SUCKED! I sat around all day at school for no fucking reason!! Stupid people.

The day was okay.. I got my mars bar, shared it with rf and didnt do work. Twas a lazy ass day which was gayyyy. Tomorrow I have every class which is pretty sweet!!

Got to go and do shiz...
-Peace.

Thanks Renee ^_^

2007-05-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

Yay another website to make me smile..

That is so cute.. Yay, horses.

I really like that. It is a tote. And it is pretty. And makes me think happy thoughts. AND it is only $11, how cool :D.

I really like that. It is a bookmark and it is so fabricy and cute.

I dont know why but I really like this headband. It is happy looking.

I love hair ties ^_^. They make me smile.

And that is all for now...
Be back later...
Going to kill some brain cells and watch BB.

KIMMY!!

2007-05-14T00:46:00.001-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW KIMMY...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LOVE!!!

a thing i took from renee's blog.

2007-05-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

the physical stuff::
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly. [sometimes]
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

family/home life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

school/work
[x] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired.
[x] I've skipped school.

embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

travelling
[x] I've ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to Asia.

experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've been an abuse victim.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been skiing.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

relationships
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x] I've had someone cheat on me. {many}
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of commitment.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship. {james from adelaide}
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I love to flirt.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

honesty/crime
[x] I am a terrible liar.
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[x] I've shoplifted.

drugs/alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[x] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed.
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[x] I'm a stoner.{Cody and bry tell me I am all the time haha, btw, Im not}
[ ] I've snorted cocaine.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.
[x] I've cried myself to sleep.
[ ] I've seen a therapist.

death and suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I own something from Hollister Co.Political/Social Attitudes

[x] In general, I don't like people.
[x] I'm a feminist.
[x] I'm outgoing.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I'm Democratic.
[ ] I'm Republican.
[ ] I'm liberal.
[x] I don't like Bush.
[x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[ ] I am for Bush.
[ ] I am religious.
[x] I dress fairly modestly.
[ ] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ringtone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[x] My answers are totally honest.

reason why.

2007-05-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

My Immortal

2007-05-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

That effort of writing before was rather deplorable so I shall just see what I can do now. Everything seems to be able to bring me down so very quickly now. I try to help everyone around me but then just one comment can bring me back down into my little hideaway hole. The reason I cut you out of my life when I moved here was because I didn't need you. You make me sad and I don't like it anymore.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me

To the few people I care about anymore:

Renee: I have realised you are my chai latte. You are so unique and wonderful and great to have around; just like a chai latte ^_^. You make me smile all the time and you help me up when I am down. We skank together and we talk about anything. I love having you in my life. We went through a rocky start when we first started talking but now our friendship has blossomed into something wonderful. I never know the right thing to say to make you realise how I feel but I tried, and I thank you for entering my life.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all of the sanity in me

Kimmy: You are so wonderful. I know you don't seem to believe it when I compliment you, or when anyone does, but you mean so much to me and you are such a special person to me. I love when we sit and talk in m&h and talk about everything because we don't care about anything around us. I listen to every bit of advice you give me and I try to help you out as much as I possibly can. When you are happy, you are so wonderful and I hate when you are sad, because I feel like I cant help...Remember our pact, I'm always here.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me

Emmy: You are my guardian angel. I swear to God. You are always there, for a hug, a talk, or just to sit in silence and cry. When you are sad I feel your pain and it hurts :(. We have such an awesome friendship and I just want to thank you for ever talking to me in Maths that first day because otherwise I would have never found such a wonderful friend. I love our lessons we have together; eating, talking and annoying Gerard. Now that you have entered, I'll never, ever let you go.

I've tried so hard
to tell myself that your gone
but though your still with me
I've been alone
on my own.

The last 2:

Tamara: I cant word anything I feel towards you because it is just indescribable. You make my world shine and shimmer and I love you for that. You will always be my number 1 and I love you.

Robfacehead: Its easier just combining all my nicknames into one for you :P. Our friendship is better now and I am happy that it isn't sick anymore. I love our little quirks and laughs that we have. I love that we still talk and didn't stop when we were going to. I am sorry for upsetting you yesterday and don't worry, I'll always be here. I wouldn't leave you because your friendship means the world [plus a bazillion] to me. You are so special to me. Don't ever forget it ^_^.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me

I am better now, I don't know how long it will last but I like feeling like it will all stay like this. And I know with the 5 people I have talked about, I can do this. I know I can.

Kiss and Control

2007-05-12T23:52:00.000-07:00

I am so happy you are out of my life.
I never, ever have to see you again if I dont want to.
I never realised how much you brought me down.
You make me feel like shit and you make me feel like I am a bad person when I know I am not.
You blame everything on me and make me feel worthless.
I dont ever have to feel that way again.
And I wont.
You know why?
Because I dont need you.
You always made me feel like I was nothing without you.
When really, I am better person without you anymore.

The last week has been filled with emotions and I am overjoyed that I am starting a new, fresh week. I am starting to get a hold on my assignments which is a relief. I just need the Father to help me with my Business Plan for Business. If anyone has a name for my book shop; please tell because I am stuck [maybe Renee could help? *hint*].

On Friday night, Dear Emmy and I hung out and we went to some guys house and drank some beer and then went to the Indian Restaurant and ate.... God the food was good. And we drank more beer. Em's glands hurt, and I felt sick. It was funny. We made friends with Jess and Warren, who know George from a while back. They sat across the table from us. We talked to them pretty much all night.

Em stayed at my house and in the morning, I got my hair cut and she went into Civic. I did homework [not much at all] and then at around 2 or something, I went to Bry's and we watched some random movies. At about 7ish, Cody and Jesse picked us up and we went out and did "stuff".. And when we got back to Brys [Bry told me it was like... 10:30, I have no idea], I passed out on her bed.

Happy Mothers Day to all peoples mothers, especially my own.

Also, boy, we havent talked for a while.. Whats going on with that?

And if anyone knows who the boy in my Business class that likes me; please tell me because no one will :(.

Back to my Legal now.. and if anyone has anything they want me to talk about, just c box and i will ^_^.

-Jes xxx

Hot Chocolate.

2007-05-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

You hurt. And I cant help you at all. It is honestly killing me inside. How am I meant to help you through this, if I cant even help myself. You mean the world to me, please get through this, please.

I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry about what I said. I am sorry if you hate me now. I am sorry that I am apologizing so much but I don't know what you want me to say.

I am sorry.

Softies.

2007-05-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have nearly eaten a whole packet of Softy lollies in one day.
That is bad.
But they taste rather delicious ^_^
Today was a good day.
I understood Maths.
And even Conway said I was smart =D.
Yay for me.
This weekend is gonna be fun :).
I am going to Ems soon ^_^.
And we are going out tonight.
And we are gonna do homework.

I am Jes. Hear me roar.

2007-05-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am Emily heads house.
I love Emmy :):).
I bet she didnt know that.
But I do :).
Well, I didnt see you at school very much today, boy.
Yeah, thats right, you.
I think our conversation was nice last night.
And I was happy when I went to bed.
So I hope we have a good conversation tonight.
Because I dont like when we fight.
My darling lovely Emmy is making me an awesome coffee because she is lovely.
Yeah thats right Em, you are lovely :).
YES THAT IS RIGHT!
Anyway, I better go and check out her awesome musico.
Peace mofo's.
xx

God I am bored.

2007-05-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Next week, Leigh informed me I have to get my brother from school on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Which means I have to get out of school on Wednesday at like 12 because Canberra buses are shit. Gah! So annoying.
I have to catch a bus to James's school and then like wait 20 minutes until he gets out and then me and him have to walk home.
Dont ask me how I will survive a 20 minute walk with my annoying brother.
AND I have to make food for dinner for the 3 nights which is rather annoying seeing as my father is incompitant and cant even make toast.
What the hell am I going to do?
AND then I will have to get to school LATE because Dad said that he will have to get to walk early!
WHAT THE HELL CANT HE DO ANYTHING!
No... obviously he cant.
Gah!
Well... He is a stupid loser.
And that means that the house will be TRASHED because neither Dad nor James can pick up after themselves.
BOYS THESE DAYS!
Anyway, I am going to get Tam to stay over for a couple of the days, so that she can take me to school and make sure I dont get stressed and kill people.

The Trapeze Swinger.

2007-05-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

I feel like a massive chat. But I have no one to chat to apart from Robface on MSN, so I shall just talk here and hope someone reads it. I hate that I get so depressing all the time, and I hate that I feel like I am bringing down everyone around me. Renee is hurting and Kimmy seems to be having a rough time. Kimmy, I am sorry that I havent talked to you very much lately; I am being selfish, I love you so much. Remember, I am here. Always. I promise you. We made a pact and I shall keep it because you mean so much to me.

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Life is rather confusing. It makes me start to think, what was the reason for us to move here? Apart from Father getting a job here, was there some reason to move here? Is my families life going to change, are we meant to grow or are we meant to fall? There are so many people around me hurting and I am normally able to help, even for a little while, so why cant I do it now? And why am I hurting myself over such small issues? Why do I want myself to hurt? Why is this becoming so much more complicated?

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

I chose this song because it reminds me of Kimmy. It is so beautiful and serene and carries me away from this all. This is why I want to have more conversations with you, because you carry me away to that place and it is amazing. I know this is hurting you just know that I love the conversations with you. I love the happiness and the smiles that come to my face. How easy it is for you to make me laugh or cry or think. I am sorry I cant seem to let this go. But I am not that sort of person that can do that. I hate us ignoring each other and acting like we never have in depth conversations. I hate that she laughs at me and just makes me feel like complete shit. She has you. I dont. End of story.

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Moving here has fucked with my head, opened my eyes and confused me so much. I have fought with people, cried, met people, gone out, stayed in, kissed people and felt so happy yet so sad. Somehow, moving here made me feel empty. You filled the void; even if it was for a night. You reminded me what it is like to feel completely full and it was lovely. This room is so bare. And I feel so small here. Such a small place yet I feel like I am nothing. Pessimistic I know but I cant seem to stay positive without Renee's websites; and your friendship.

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Isn't it weird, how you miss someone, even if they are an arms length away. Weird, I know. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone recently, snapped or just shut myself off from you. I just... want this all to stop. Have my perfect day. And truly smile. That would be lovely. It honestly would. Or be swept away. To anywhere. Just somewhere to feel safe and at home and comfortable. But that even seems to hard now.

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

I don't want to cry anymore. So why am I now? My heart hurts. My throat aches. My eyes sting. I want to forget you. But I cant. I am trying to separate myself from you. You need me to. I act like I want to but I don't. I want to keep you near. But I don't want you to be around just because you know I am in pain. But I wish you could stay because you want to. But I don't know what to do anymore. I am lost. And you cant find me.

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

You know what. I miss you every fucking day. This wasnt meant to be about you. Why cant you get out of my head? I am over having to hide from you. Act like you mean nothing to me when all I want is for you take me away to a happy place and talk. Because just by being with you makes me smile.

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

You know what I want? For you to have chose me. Now you know. You know my "no delete policy" for this thing. But I want to delete it. People have told me to not worry and to move on and to just forget you.. apparently I can do better... Which I do not think so at all, but you know that I cant. It is like you haunt me. I love having you around. But you are so out of reach. I am sorry I tried so hard. But I had a dream of someone, and they told me I had to try harder, and I trust them, and miss them, so I am going to try as hard as I possibly can. I just.... miss you.

Na-na
Na-na-na
Na-na
Na-na...

Btw... I dont care about spelling errors.

Emily Is Pretty.

2007-05-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hello there all.
I am in psych with Emily, but I am supposed to be in Economics.
Anyway... YOU ARE IGNORING ME YOU STUPID HEAD BUTT FACE.
It makes me sad.
And even Em doesnt know why you are ignoring me, which is COMPLETELY stupid and you do that like eyebrow liftup thingo or just stare at me blankly.
Are you honestly happy with her ?
If you are, why do you look like a little sad puppy?
And why would you need earphones in, wouldnt you talk to her.
Or maybe, I am just being a stupid bitch.
We are said we are friends... so why arent you acting like it?
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
ANYWAY, I shall let Emily bum chatteth now because I may be a major bitch soon.
Peace yo.

hello friends
i am pretty
good bye friends
p.s. i think that i need to measure the length of your penis yes yours please let me i would like to touch it with my fingers is that ok? i like chocolate penis hmm good thought ORGASM! WERE U JUST LIKE WTF WELL YEH ME TOO i just realised this is in caps thats scary i live in the capital hmm good thought
i dont think you are happy i think you need to be happy and i think that she doesnt make u happy. I think that u are scared and say u love her because u feel obliged or maybe you do love her but i dont think you can completly give yourself to her after everything that happened with number 1 and what has happened recently (yes i have numbered them) there is 1,2 and there will soon be a 3 god damn it bitch!! nah i love you if u know who u are but if u dont know and u think im talking about u well i love you too because i think that i am pretty =)
i love you
i love trent but shh
i love you bye

2007-05-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

Just so everyone knows.
I do want to be happy.
I honestly do.
I want to have one perfect day.
Wake up.
Have a small amount of sun creep through my window.
Get dressed.
And feel nice.
Go to school.
Smile.
Actually be happy.
Do my classes.
With a smile on my face.
And a pen in my hand.
Have recess and lunch.
And not have to jump someone for a cigarette.
Enjoy breathing in oxygen.
Have good conversations.
Finish school.
See people.
Go home.
And dance.
No matter if it is with myself.
Or if someone else joins.
Still be smiling.
Go to bed.
Write a good and happy diary entry.
Read a bit of a book.
And go to sleep.
Still happy.

2007-05-08T03:44:00.000-07:00

I do not know how to react with so much stuff lately.
It is hard to wake up every morning and smile and act like I am great when I go to school. I hate that I have to keep myself happy because if I cried all the time like I want to, and ran away and crawled into a little hole, everyone would think i am some kind of freak.
I hate that I want to make everyone smile and be happy, so why can I get them better, yet I can not help myself at all.
I am over feeling in pain all the time and hating myself and not sleeping properly and crying and hiding away in this bedroom of mine but I cant seem to stop it, no matter what I try to do.
There are so many things running through my head; people I miss, things I want to change; memories I want to permanently delete from my head, but it wont stop.
I wish I had a special control so when I had enough I could pause to breathe and let it all out or stop it when it got too much or rewind continuously when I didn't want the conversation to end.
All of this is so much harder since I have no "male support." Like, sure, I love having guy friends going to Copland, but I just want someone to turn to and be like "Babe, I feel like shit," and then get a hug. That is all I want, someone to comfort me. But thats seems to hard for males these days. I feel like I have like some stamp on my head telling boys to stay away.
I want someone to help me.
This whole move thing has been a bitch and it sucks.
Also, I wish I could help people in my life...
Such as Renee.
She is normally always so happy and helps me, and is so wonderful.
I am not just saying this to cheer her up, I honestly mean it.
I love her to bits and the thing is, I hate how she knows what to do when I am down in a hole, but I cant keep to help her at all.
I want to. I honestly do, but, I cant seem to.
The last 2 months have been a struggle; and I really hope that I can last. I can feel myself tumbling into utter sadness and I hate it. I just want someone to turn to me and say "You can always come to me, and I fucking love you and will always be here." or even someone turn to me and say that they need me.
I feel that I was put onto this earth as like some sick experiment.
I feel so out of place and it hurts.
It honestly does.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I just wanna go.. and never turn back.

Solitude

2007-05-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me

I am so confused. Yes of you. Yes this is about you. I know you want to cut me off. I know that this friendship is practically invisible and falling apart right before our eyes. Today you confused me. To the point where I thought it would all be okay and that everything from before was not real. But then as soon as I become confrontational, you decided it would be different.

Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

Yes I like you. Yes you know that. But I dont know what is going on inside your head. You said you didnt like me, yet you touched my arm countless times. You said that we would never happen yet every time I looked at you, you were looking at me with such sad eyes. I hate that this is hurting you, but have you thought of what it is doing to me?

How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

I would do anything for you. You mean so much to me and not just because I like you. You are such a good friend and we have had such good conversations. I just feel that being rejected by you, must mean that there is something seriously wrong with me. I love being with you. I honestly do. I like sitting in silence with you or talking or looking at you. I just like knowing you are around.

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

I just want you to tell me how you feel. Dont think about her. Dont think about me. Just think about how YOU want to feel. Dont think about our feelings and care if someone would get hurt. I just want to know what you want to do. Not what is "best" for your relationship and such. If you could choose who you would be with, who would it be? If you werent dating either of us, who would it be? Who would you choose? The thing is, I know you will say her. Why? Because you don't want to admit that you may have some sort of feelings for me.

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night

I shouldnt have admitted I liked you. But you asked, and I can not seem to lie to you. When you walked away from me today, I cried. I turned to Conway and Em and tears fell down my cheeks. Why? Because I dont want you to push me away.

Your secret admirer
Who could it be

You make me feel that maybe, just maybe, I am not as dreadful as I have heard my whole life. Maybe someone could like me. Maybe someone could be attracted to me in some way. Maybe someone can stand looking at me and touching me. But maybe I am completely and utterly wrong, and maybe you dont and never have liked me, maybe I made it up to try and feel better about myself.

Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me

Yes. If i could be, I would be with you. But I cant. You told me it would never happen. You stated it to me. You told me you love her. Yet you flirt? Yes I like the attention, but I dont like being led on by a guy that I would do anything for.

And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

You make me smile, and blush, and laugh, and blush, and forget everything else around me. You are what I want. But we both know, that you would not permit of it. If you dont like me like you said you dont and you could never be with me, then why are you sending me mixed signals? Is it because I am female? Or is it because you are confused around me? And if you don't like me, why the hell cant we be friends? I dont hate you. But I miss you.

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Gotta Have You.

2007-05-07T03:44:00.001-07:00

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
Itry to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...

Little House.

2007-05-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

I forgot to share that I received an email back from the Australian War Memorial about my applying, I said:

Hello my name is Jessica Smallwood and I am interested in becoming a volunteer for the Australian War Memorial.
I just have a quick question to ask, I am 15 years and 10 months, due to the fact that it states on the volunteers page on the Australian War Memorial website that the minimum age to volunteer is 16 years I wondered when should I send the volunteer application?
Thank you very much for your time.
Regards, Jessica Smallwood.

And I got back:

Good morning Jessica
If you send in your application, we keep it on file until we are
recruiting for the area that you are interested in.
Shortly we will be recruiting for our new Discovery Zone area. This
area is a hands on area for children. I assume you will be looking for
weekends. We will also be recruiting for the Research Centre/Online
Gallery shortly.
We look forward to your application.
Cheers

Huzzah! I want to do work in the Research Centre and so that is wonderful ^_^. I was rather happy when I got that, I am one step closer. In my application it asks lots of questions and I love questions, so I was like "woo go me." and when I finished it, I was so happy but I think I might redo it before I send it in because I want it to be perfect. I was thinking, I love accounting right; but I am thinking about being a historian because it makes me smile so much and I love that sort of stuff so the next couple of days I am going to wear my google out and see what I can do :). If anyone has ideas, please share.
-jessicapearl [x]

i love renee.

2007-05-07T03:07:00.000-07:00

jes will be smiling tonight.

This is so pretty. I have a fascination with pretty journals and such... And it is only $10 ^_^

Its a wallet.. And it is so cute. I love stuff, it makes me smile.

I really like this. I love unique and special things and this is cute.

Gosh I love tote bags.. Arent they just wonderful. They make me smile and look so pretty :D.

I love underwear and camis that match. Yay.

Its a pen. And it is cute. ^_^

Thank you Renee.....

do you remember?

2007-05-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

remember the song dedications?

Wait for me. Trust for me.
Fall for me. Even when you don't know you're falling for me.
Will you fall for it? If it should, it'll come around again.
But don't wait for me. And don't trust in me. Don't fall me.
Even when you know you're falling for me.

go run for cover
you better start to love her so much you're moving on
I'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it
got what you want? I'm gone

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one

Tell me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in
Show me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in

Not only with sadness
I think of you now
Not only with sadness
I lost you somehow

You lost yourself inside
But i found a place to hide

Now tell me its all made up like some unreal childish fairy tale.

Reality escapes her.

2007-05-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today was not as bad as I intended it to be.

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And she can take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

Hardly anyone comments anymore :(. It makes me sad. Gah.

Today I had a wonderful conversation with Em and she listened to my bull shit and made it all better, so I love her for that.
I just stripped my walls of everything because tomorrow we have a gay inspection.

From today, I am starting fresh, and I am going to become the person I want to be... Not the person that everyone else wishes for me to become because I am over trying to live up to peoples expectations. I have realised that if I keep living like that, I will always be living in failure because human beings never seem to be able to accept people completely. I am going to be the real me, and if no one likes it then I guess, they arent worth knowing.

I wish I could word things nicely; like, Renee, Kimmy and Robface can do, I just blurt out words and hope it makes sense. Maybe that is something else I can work on.

To everyone has stolen my heart.

2007-05-06T03:11:00.000-07:00

There are not many people in my life who mean the world to me and who I would die for, but the few that there are, I treasure so very much.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

-Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.

Tam, Kimmy, Renee, Robface, Caitlin and Em have stolen my heart forevermore.

Tam:
There has been so much shit in my life, and you have been there every step of the way. You know me inside and out and I trust you so much much. You make me smile and laugh and think. I have seen you grow up from a little girl with pale, long blonde hair into a stunning unique young woman. I adore you more and more every day even though it has never seemed possible. I love having the opportunity to see you every single day. Having you in my life, makes me feel so special because you are the best friend I could ever ask for and I wouldnt never ever be able to choose anyone to take your place, you have an eternal subscription to my heart. I love you babycakes and I always will.

Kimmy:
You are amazing. You are such a perfect writer and can express emotions in such a beautiful way. You are so full of wisdom and kindness and inspiration. I feel so special to be able to call you my best friend. You probably do not understand how special you make me feel and how much I treasure you. You came into my life at a time where I wanted it to end, I didnt want to be here anymore and you opened my eyes to beauty. You have helped me in so many ways and I have no idea how to thank you at all. You always listen and care and I love you so much for that because I am not used to it. One day, you will find a wonderful man who will steal your heart and treat you the way you deserve. You will steal his heart and he will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I love you so very much bebe, and don't ever forget it.

Renee:
You are my skanking buddy. I have wonderful conversations with you and you know how to make my sadness disappear before my eyes. We have excellent conversations about jewelery, cupcakes, websites and emotions. You helped me realise that just by going onto a website and looking at jewelery shaped as cupcakes and food, it can suddenly put a smile on my face for the rest of the night and I love that. I love the person you have become and how you helped yourself out of all of the bad things you were feeling. I treasure our friendship because it is as unique as unique can be and I love you for that. Thank you for entering my life.

Robface:
The last week has been overcome with emotions but I am so glad that it is all over now. I have had the most memorable conversation with you that I have ever had with any human being. It made me feel so full and that is why I love having a friend like you. You make me laugh, cry and smile. You have shown me that not all of my relationships have to be romance based and that people can have a major spiritual connection. I connect with you so well and I can not wait until we can have another 7 hour conversation and go to sleep feeling on top of the world. Thank you for entering my life and in one week becoming a friend that I will never let go of.

Caitlin:
You are truly an amazing human being. You are such a special person. I miss the times we had but I treasure the memories so much. I have had such wonderful times with you. I miss dancing around in your lounge room, my room and your room listening to the widest range of music possible. I miss screaming our voices away and talking about nothing in particular. I miss the random hugs or jokes in the hallways at OLSH. I miss going to your house for no reason, trying to attempt to watch all of FRIENDS and drinking Apple and Mango juice. I miss eating cheese pizza and watching Hilary Duff movies. I miss the times with the CBC boys; Blacks boys; and Thompson and Kiwi. I cannot wait for you to visit so we can do it all over again.

Em:
I don't think you understand how much you mean to me. I love our lessons eating chocolate, chips and gummy bears. I love our meaningless jokes and hoaxes. I love how special you make me feel and how I know I can confide in you about absolutely anything possible. Thank you for crying with me for a whole Business lesson and not doing work. You are the most amazing person. I can not put into words how much you mean to me... so I will not even try. Just know I love you so very much..

Thank you to you all.
xx

I'm Your Favourite Drug.

2007-05-06T01:35:00.000-07:00

Dude. I have to start writing more of my book...
I changed its name, I don't know if I told anyone I did, but "Save Me" was a boring name and so I changed it to "Aesthetically Numb". I thought it sounded pretty. I miss my old book a lot though...

Yesterday Leigh and I went out to get my brother and father birthday presents seeing as it their birthdays tomorrow and we got ourselves stuff, because we are cool like that :P. I got two books because as everyone may know, I am slightly obsessed about the reality you can escape through with books. I have a massive fascination with Gallipoli, Hitler, Anne Frank and the Japanese war, so if anyone ever wants ideas for my birthday, books on any of those topics would make me fall slightly in love with you. I am obsessed with autobiographies and diaries, I dont quite know, but I do. When Mother, Father, Brother and I went to the War Memorial here in Cranberry [Caitlin nicknamed it], I was majorly fascinated, if you ever want to take me on a date, taking me there would make me love you also :P, and then we went to the store thing there and was smiling over the books. I saw a book I wanted called To Hell and Back which is a journal thing by a guy in Gallipoli but Mother didnt want to buy it for me. She ended up getting it for me, and god it is so worth the 30 dollars I swear... And Mother also bought me Second Glance by Jodi Picoult which was also wonderful.

I bought a wonderful grey cardigan thingy which is cute and has wonderful pockets and I wore it today and it was so warm.

Tomorrow, I am wearing my OLSH pe jersey. Why you ask? Because it is so warm :).

Tomorrow will be a shit day for me, so please, if you can, please please please dont get me angry. Mother bought me gummy bears though, so the day may be a little bit better for me... I also got dunlops because I wanted comfy shoes, apart from my Cons, so that is what I did.

I wrapped the boys' birthday presents, I love wrapping presents rather than opening them, bizarro??!??

I shall depart now because I am getting slighty tired.

Bye for now children.

Anniversaries.

2007-05-05T23:17:00.001-07:00

Its 9 years tomorrow.
And its 5 years tomorrow.
I hate you for this.
I really do.

2007-05-05T02:29:00.001-07:00

please get out of my head.
i cant handle it anymore.
you're killing me.
and im not strong enough.

2007-05-05T01:44:00.001-07:00

you lost yourself inside.

your dead inside of me.

2007-05-05T01:19:00.000-07:00

i nearly fell apart at debbie's house today.
and now giving up smoking is going to be even harder.
what am i doing to myself?

fuck....

2007-05-05T01:14:00.000-07:00

i wish i could turn back time.
but i cant.
and i hurt.
gah.

Beg.

2007-05-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

There's a lit cigarettein the hand of my new angel
she's blowing smoke like halos, and now everybody wants her
but I shouldn't even bother
because you made me so complete dear, but you left me so alone here
hang a noose for my new sinner somewhere everyone can see it

I am trying to think how this will help me by helping you. This doesnt help me at all. I can not think of one thing. I hate that I am not selfish. I wish I could be selfish. I want to scream and make a scene, but I will just cry instead. But boy, I dont know how long I can just sit around and watch this, I really dont. I wish I could make you feel bad.. But I know that will not happen either.I want to draw you in, but I can not do this either. I wish I could do something, but it is fucking useless.

wont you beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start to love her so much youre moving on and on

I want you to like me. I wish you could like me. But I know this can not happen. I wish you could choose what I want, but I know you can not do that either. I hate that I say that I want you to be happy, because no matter how selfish it sounds, I want you to be happy with me. But if not being with me makes you happy, then I guess that I have to deal with that. I am sorry that I am not who you want me to be, I am sorry that I am not like her.

now there's a whole wide world...that wants to know
have cheap hotels lost their turn-on? she's bathing in the neon
and she's polluting all the airways while I'm passed out in the hallway
and you left me so in love here, you left with so much hate dear
was I creating only chaosthis world lives just fine without uswont you?

I have to ignore you, because this is what you want. But I dont want to! Why do I have to? Because it helps you... Just please do not tell me it is best for both of us, it is best for you. You want this, not me. There is nothing in the world I want more for you not be say it, but you have, so I have to accept what you say and go home and be emotional there. You know you could help me, you know you could... Out of everyone in the world... I could stop so many things with your help, but I can not have it, because you can not give it.

beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start love her so much youre moving on and on

You made me cry in happiness and sadness in the same time. I did already tell you that, I know. I want to turn around and tell you to choose but I cant, because I know you wouldnt choose me, which hurts. But I do not want to be your friend, but that is all you want to offer. Yes want, not can. I want you to want me and I need you to need me, but I sadly can not wait around forever and I am sorry if that hurts, I am sorry if that isnt fair but I can not let myself hurt for much longer. YES I will still like you, so much, but I will soon have to give up and move on, I do not want to at the moment, well I do but I like you too much to want to give up trying, soon I will have to, otherwise I will fall apart and fall over the edge more than I already am.

will it change your life if I change my mind?
when shes lit the whole wide world
I want to know if you will beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure, (risking failure) but I'd hope you set your levels (for how long)
so you can run for cover
you better start to love her
now are we this pathetic? you made me finally see it
(will it change your life when I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life)

I cried over you today, I never have cried in class but I did because of you today, I fell apart. No, it wasnt just because of you but you were one factor of it. Emily listened, and understood and cared, that is why I love that girl. I just wish that you could be there, I wish I could talk to you about it or not even have the problem. I wish that DuncNic didnt get me upset... He got angry because I smoked.. He doesnt understand why, you dont even understand why. I havent told you anything lately because I can not become dependent of you, because there is a massively high chance you could hurt me and I can not be hurt again. But I wish that wasnt a choice, I wish we could pursue this. But the way Em made it come across, even if she wasnt in your life, you wouldnt pursue it because of the friendship which made me really upset.. I feel like I am disgusting or like there is something wrong with me for you to think that.

go run for cover
you better start to love her so much you're moving on
I'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it
got what you want? I'm gone

I hurt. I have no told you everything. I wish you could care and listen but you can not. I wish that we didnt get to know each other so well, I hate knowing when you lie or when you are with her when I ring you or when you can not talk to because she might think something is up or so much. I hate that I can not hug you. That hurts. It honestly does. To the point where I feel my heart has been ripped out.

for how long? for how long? for how long will it change your life?

Just answer one question, if nothing was going to happen between us, why did you tell me you miss me every second you are not with me, does that not show anything? I'm not going to be around forever. I am sorry.

my heart is screaming.

2007-05-03T04:49:00.001-07:00

it needs help.

My Imaginary Day With You.

2007-05-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

I wish to spend a day with you. Or an hour. But not a minute, that wouldnt be long enough.

We would go anywhere, because the scenery doesnt matter, all we would be doing is looking at eachother. We would go somewhere secluded and beautiful. We would sit on grass and talk. Just us two. We would sit knee to knee facing eachother and forgetting everything around us. We would talk about everything and anything. We would share an mp3 player listening to that song on repeat but spacing out and not even hearing it. We would breathe in sync and think in sync and the conversation wouldnt stop. The conversation would suddenly end when we both [in sync] suddenly stop talking and slowly move in and part lips. It would be perfect. Simple but perfect, just like you. After what feels like hours upon hours, we leave, hand in hand, back to where we are meant to be, with smiles on our faces because we are all we need.

Then reality would kick back in and we would realise that we shouldnt have done it, but it was perfect. And nothing in the world could change the feeling. Nothing.

Lets Think.

2007-05-03T02:41:00.000-07:00

Roll roll and flee
For once in a way
Just do as you please
It’s your time today
You look like a ghost
But talk like a saint
Ok at the most
You have no complains

Only in darkness
Your stars come to light
Only in darkness
It’s all black and white

You hurry, but why?
Where are you bout to go?
Do you wish to die?
Well, that you don’t know
If there’s life after death
Then man what i’ve lost
I can still see your breath
Turn into frost

Not only with sadness
I think of you now
Not only with sadness
I lost you somehow

You lost yourself inside
But i found a place to hide

Is it so bad....

2007-05-03T01:40:00.000-07:00

To wonder why out of everyone...
I am forgotten.
And, just left.
The one thing I want, is someone to love me.
But that seems to hard these days.

today...

2007-05-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

....was crap.
and now i feel worse than yesterday.
and i feel like a skank... and unattractive.. and really, disgusting.
and i hate myself for that.
and i dont feel like being positive at all.
and it isnt fair.
and this isnt fair.
and will i ever actually be wanted?
will i?

sorry

2007-05-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

that last blog was mean.
the ex wasnt nice.
and i didnt want to snap.
two things i wanna say:
1. i wish that i didnt like you so that you wouldnt be guilty and hurt because i hurt when you hurt. you mean so much to me though.
and
2. i am going to try and be as happy as i can be.

im pissed

2007-05-02T02:34:00.001-07:00

so no one start with me please. i dont want to be mean.

i want.....

2007-05-02T02:23:00.001-07:00

a new nickname. ideas?
c box.

a question to you all.

2007-05-02T02:09:00.001-07:00

if you had to say anything about me in one sentence, what would you say? c box it.

ohh..

2007-05-02T02:07:00.000-07:00

.. and i dislike ex boyfriends being sarcastic.

cold.

2007-05-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

i am cold.
and confused.
and happy.
yet sad.
and needing a hug.
but not knowing who i want it from.
why do boys have to be nice.

exactly how i feel.

2007-05-01T23:35:00.001-07:00

we love our tradiges
we're both broken in our own little ways
we're broken, but we fit together just right
you know i saw the black inside your eyes
i saw they were eclipsed by mine...and they looked just right

when our lights meet, will you know me then
and will you want to know it?
it feels like i've known you for so long
when our lights meet, will you want me then
and will you ever know it?
it seems like you've know me for so long

i love your analogies
we're both crazy in our own little ways
we talk about the future and our past lives
i know i loved you then, i know i'd love you know
i know i'll love you then...i know i love you now

when our lights meet, will you know me then
and will you want to know it?
it feels like i've known you for so long
when our lights meet, will you want me then
and will you ever know it?
it seems like you've know me for so long
it seems like i've known you for so long
you can't have everything you want when you want it
i will be everything you want when you want it
wait for me, trust for me, fall for me
even when you don't know you're falling for me
will you fall for it, if it should it'll come around again
but don't wait for me and don't trust in me, don't fall for me
even when you know you're falling for me

when our lights meet, will you know me then
and will you want to know it?
it feels like i've known you for so long
when our lights meet, will you want me then
and will you ever know it?
it seems like you've know me for so long
when our hearts meet, will we make it then
will we even notice that they are eclipsed

You know that this is directed at you. So I shouldn't have to say it. I'm sorry.

Possession.

2007-05-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one

Today was confusing. sad. breathtaking. happy. crap. and filled with many predicaments. Just so it is our there, I am never the one to wish to break a relationship up, I want you all to know that right now. I am not that type of person and I never will be either. But I am the sort of person to wish feelings to be out there, but I will not let them out, I will fight to keep them in because this individual does not need me making it any worse that it could already be.

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Do you know one thing I miss the most about James? It isn't the relationship, definitely not the fights, just the hugs. I miss the hugs and the kisses. I missed being kissed. And I know it hasn't been that long. And I am not saying that I am in a bad bad position, I am just saying, I miss it.

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one

I know I get extremely emotional over nothing. And today I practically cried to a song that I shouldn't have wanted to cry to during assembly. Emotions overtook me and now I feel like such an idiot. I feel silly because when I moved to Copland, I wanted every single emotion apart from happiness, even if it had to be fake, to be what was seen. I did not want people to know that I am able to get upset, or angry, or stressed, or depressed. I didn't want to be judged like that. I am scared to become emotional again and for people to think I am crazy and insecure.

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

There is only one person I know for sure will know this song, and I will hope this individual doesn't read this because then they know that alot of this is directed to them. I am really over confusing emotions. They completely suck. I hate not knowing what is coming along the track and I hate having to try to make decisions because I am scared to pick the wrong thing. I do not want to screw anything up. I know that everyone will say I can get through this crap, and I know I can, I just wish I didnt have to.

Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread

Today I got walked home by a very generous boy. He was at Belconnen when I got there and I recognised him from school so we talked until the bus came and then he caught the 47 with me and then I didnt know where to get off, so he got off with me and then he walked me home :). He was a really nice guy, problem is, I completely forgot him name, and now I feel like an idiot. But it was fun.

oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one

I am trying to think how to finish this off nicely. But I cannot find the wording. I am emotionally drained. I dont like it. God I need a hug.

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

robface.

2007-05-01T05:09:00.001-07:00

thank you for the best msn conversation that i have ever had in my whole entire life.

One wish....

2007-05-01T04:15:00.000-07:00

....to be held by someone who loves me the same as I love them all night long and both of us never wanting to let go.

see you soon.

2007-05-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

"she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
when boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful"

I am sorry. I really am. I am sorry for being the way I am. I am sorry for not being who you want me to be. I am sorry I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or anything that you need. I am sorry if I am lazy or a pain. I am sorry that I cannot let things go. I am sorry that I get insanely jealous easily. I am sorry that I seem selfish. I am sorry that I dont think before I talk. I am sorry that I am bitchy and hate confrontation. I am sorry that I want someone to keep a promise. I am sorry that I wish to fall in love. I am sorry if I seem like a naive little child but I have probably experienced more than anyone else that reads this. I am sorry that I cannot forgive my sister and him. I am sorry that I am used to being hurt. I am sorry that I have started giving up and becoming negative. I am sorry that I have become the person I am. I am sorry that I am not the person anyone wants me to be. I am sorry that I am me and that no matter what I do I cannot change myself. I am sorry that I wish to lay forever with someone that feels as strongly as I wish I did. I am sorry that I may need to let things go, but I am not that sort of person. I wish someone could accept me the way I am and help me through my struggles.

"i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you"

I know that I am not a very happy person lately... But I am not always like this. I do like to smile and grin and laugh and have fun with people.. I dont like to mope around, but I am good at that. But I am okay. Just need to find my footing and I will be okay. I will.

"and she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all"

Untitled.

2007-05-01T02:07:00.000-07:00

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is your's)
My heart, my heart is your's
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is your's
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart is your's
My heart is your's
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)
My heart is your's
My heart is...

poobutt

2007-05-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

i am confused.
i hate being confused.
i hate not knowing what to do.
it sucks massive butt.
i am cold.
and confused.
and constantly tired.
and sad.
and just crap.
i am pretty much over it all.
im a mess.
and i hate it.
how can everyone be so carefree and me be like FUCK all the time!
i miss the male.
and i am confused with another male.
and i wish i knew the answers to my problems.
why is life so stupid.
it annoys me.
gah!
i am scared of hurting people.
and annoying people.
but i cant keep myself together.
and ill snap soon.
and i fucking hate it.
oh well...
ill go be emo now.

GAH!

2007-04-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

Okay... best day ever...
Awesome day at school....
Finished at 11:45, caught the right buses home...
Sat around, ate a pie, got credit...
Caught a bus to Civic...
Saw Teddy...
Hung out with him and his friends...
Missed my bus...
Hung out with them still...
Drove around with them all....
Dropped Jamie home...
Then got petrol...
Teddy held my hand... GAH!!!!
Got dropped home and a hug from Teddy...
WHY DO BOYS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What to do? What to do?
Any ideas.... C Box me please...
Got to go and smile now :D...

pretend that you're alive again

2007-04-29T04:45:00.000-07:00

Okay.
I am going to bed soon, so I dont die at school.
I have cried so much today which is rather retarded seeing as I feel like a bottomless pit of hopeless tears.
I never realised how different things can seem.
It has been bizarre living in Canberra.
Good, but bizarre.
I miss so many people in Adelaide.
What has been the hardest would be Caitlin.
This girl is so fucking amazing, I swear to god.
She was there when I wanted to fall apart and thought that I was going to go insane.
She listened to my bullshit and hugged me.
We communicate through silence.
She is perfect.
It has been hard to try and adjust to not being able to see her and hug her and listen to her wisdom and cry on her shoulder.
Just thinking about it now, brings another hopeless tear to my eye.
Also, something Jannagh said today made me fall apart.

(1:16 PM) ● Jannagh; :
hmm.. well come home jess
(1:16 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
i cant jannagh.
(1:17 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
i dont even know where home is anymore
(1:17 PM) ● Jannagh; :
here!
(1:17 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
i dont know what to do anymore
(1:17 PM) ● Jannagh; :
(1:18 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
god im becoming all fucking depressing and shiz again
(1:19 PM) ● Jannagh; :
it is ok to be like that.
(1:20 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
hm
(1:22 PM) ● Jannagh; :
it is honestly.
(1:22 PM) ::Jes:: [The Ove:
ok...
(1:26 PM) ● Jannagh; :
i am always here ok

I completely broke down, sobbing and all.
I have never seen myself like that.
I imagined this all would be so much easier.
I know I have support here, I know I do.
I am just not handling this well at all.
I miss James.
Not the relationship; just the connection.
We used to talk so much and he knew so much.
I guess, I leant on him too much.
The thing that made me cry the most was knowing it wouldnt be the same.
I will go now.
School tomorrow.
Goodluck everyone.
Hopefully Teddy can cheer me up tomorrow.
-Night guys.

please read.

2007-04-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

i found these lyrics. and i think you should all read them.

"love is spiders on the edge, and we're hanging by a thread, connected to the other end of this twisted frequency i've spun, but i don't care, i'd be happy if you'd share your web with me."

"You got it wrong, this isn't right
There's something beautiful that hasn't yet died
You're clinging on to my misery
Young popularity smells"

"Learn to love the ways you are
Beautiful and broken heart
If perfect wounds won't leave a scar then
Everything will"

"I want my life to be red with trees like autumn, I'd float away from evil and down towards the healing, So sad now we have become The children trapped in the mazes, I'd give my soul to the one Who has the courage to find me and free me now."

"Remember I told you in life and death
Don't bury our secrets, they will not they tear us apart
Because love means going this far
Even when the ending is only the start"

"If I can, I will be right here for you
Always for youIf I can, I will be waiting for you
Right here, for youI'll sing you lullabyesI'll,
I'll kiss you a soft goodnight
And as my castles fall, you're dreams dream on
In love tonight"

"this is something you can't deny
you're freaking me out
every fairy tale needs a hero like me
to work things out
I gotta work it out"

"Would you believe me if I told you
That I'm surfacing for just one thieving moment
To steal your heart?

Would you believe me if I told you
That fairy tales come true
When I'm with you?

I'll free the one who falls in love again

Come on and hold you like candy on a Friday after
Making love all year
And now we're swimming down where
Iron doors are open
And there is too much fear to breathe

A girl, a boy, a hell
Like thieves we are...

All in love
With stolen hearts
And we all fall down
And fall apart for love

Dance? Alright!
But I'm giving it one last fight
I fancy not your night
I'm not your girl, your whore, your hell
But thieves, we are...

All in love
With stolen hearts
And we all fall down
And fall apart for love "

That one is my favourite.
Night children.
Please comment.

to you.

2007-04-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

i wish we didnt have to part on such bad terms.
i wish that it wasnt so crap between us.
i am glad though that we didnt hurt eachother.
maybe we werent meant to be.
we did have good memories.
and i shall treasure them.
i dont hate you.
i love you very much.
our last night will always be remembered.
i will miss the sweet nothings you whispered in my ear.
i will miss your hands running slowly down my back.
i will miss your kisses.
but i am glad that you are ok.
i never wanted to hurt you.
and i hope you didnt want to hurt me either.
i will miss our long conversations in the mornings.
but i know that we will stay friends.
thank you for the memories.

just so you know....

2007-04-28T22:15:00.001-07:00

he broke up with me today.

End.

2007-04-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Do you know what?
Sometimes I think of such wonderful things about living Canberra and sometimes I want to crawl into a little ball and cry for hours on end.
I know it is me just being an immature delinquent but it does really get to me sometimes.
Sure, I love the support system that has grown since I moved here.
I love my new friends from Copland, and I love that my friendships with Tam, Kim, Renee, James, etc, have blossomed and that it just makes me love them all even more.
But sometimes I miss the fact that I could stumble into Caitlin, Jannagh, Amber and everyone from school or other people such as John and Chris.
I miss being able to ring people and talk to them for hours without worrying how much it will cost my parents.
Sometimes looking at pictures of Jannagh and Caitlin and everyone else makes me feel sad but also jealous because I cannot be there, I do not have a choice to spend time with them.
I miss the good times at OLSH and even the bitching to be honest.
I do love the fact that I got into a group so quickly though at Copland, and I am able to be myself there. I love that everyone accepts each other and that I do not freak out about what people think about me there.
I love that being around Tam has given me a chance to d&m with her all of the time and that we seem to confide in each other so much more now. I love that I can be here to support Tam, Kim, Renee and everyone else.
It has drawn me closer to everyone here which is good but I dont want to lose everyone in Adelaide because I had such good friends there.
I have grown more independent here and dont lean on people as much as I did before.
I feel that my self esteem has grown which I think is a good thing.
I love that Tam and Kimmy have introduced me to so much stuff, and opened my eyes to so much also.
I have enjoyed my own taste of chai latte's and got back into reading a million and one books which I used to do when I was younger.
I am not saying that Canberra is a thousand and one times better than Adelaide.
I do miss the house we lived in and I miss Ian, my old neighbour because he was there for me so much, he was there for me after the break in at my house and I confided in him alot.
I miss the old group from OLSH so much, because I watched all of those grow up so much which really sucks because they have blossomed into such wonderful women.
But I know my true friends there will stay in contact with me so I guess this is just another stepping stone for me and will open my eyes up to who is my true friend.

gah! I am being such a silly tonight. Tam just told me that she cannot come over tonight BLAST! but that is okay... we are going to go shopping on Friday and James is staying over that night so yes... It shall be quite fine. I shall go because I am being boring...

-Jes

Under The Bridge Baby.

2007-04-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes I feel
Like I dont have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angel
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
cause shes my companion
I walk through her hills
cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

I dont ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

Its hard to believe
That theres nobody out there
Its hard to believe
That Im all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away"

Under The Bridge is James and my song :)... I just want to say that today I am thinking muchly about my loverlee boyfriend, James. He is quite a nice boy and even though I havent been with him for a long time, he has been there for me through so much and put up with my whinging, whining and bitching. He holds me when I am sick and rubs my back when I am sleepy and kisses me always at the right times. He makes me feel special and he treats me so well. He always makes me smile and I am happy when he is around. He makes me feel so comfortable and I love him so much for that.

Yes soppy you may say but I do not care... He is great.

ANYWAY... Tam is coming over tomorrow after work and we are going to have a girly sleepover night and then the next day we are going to m&h and then go shopping for clothes and try on everything and anything :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D.

Some random thingo.

2007-04-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

1.Fell in love
; Year 10, to Christopher.

2. Lost someone close to you?
; Year 4, My Nana D.

3. Drank alcohol
; 10 years old.

4. Smoked
; Year 6 when I started to rebel.

5. Got kissed from a guy
; Year 5 at a disco.

6. Went to the hospital
; When I was born.

7. Got your heart broken?
; Year 10, by Christopher.

8. Lost a pet
; Year 9, my dog Zenah.

9. Got arrested
; never.

11. Broken a bone
; never.

12. Got a job
; 15 years old.

13. Got cheated on
; This year.

14. Rode the city bus alone?
; Year 8.

15. Went to a concert?
; No idea.

16. Got a cell phone
; Year 5.

17. Snuck out of the house
; In Year 6.

18. how old are you now?
; 15.

Question...

2007-04-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am bored.
We [James (my brother), Mother and I are about to go to the Museum because we are cool like that. And yes... James (the boyfriend) stayed over last night.. Twas fun.
Well I have nothing else to add so I shall depart now.
Bye for now.
-Jes